It's difficult to feel these raw feelings. Most people don't understand that a difficult feeling, once deeply felt, dissipates and goes away. Most are afraid of these big feelings.
It's also confusing to feel these raw feelings. Especially during your engagement, when everyone is "supposed" to be happy!
This explains everyone's crazy behavior. To some extent, every family member is feeling sadness, fear, and anger about your upcoming marriage -- it's normal, natural, and human to have these "darker" reactions. However, most are unaware of these difficult feelings or they're desperately trying to deny them.
Instead of feeling sadness, fear, and anger, most people focus on The Wedding. Why? It's more comfortable to get in a tizzy about bridesmaids dresses, budgets, and flower arrangements than to grieve, be afraid or be angry.
What can you do to stop the insanity???
First, realize this is happening in your family -- because it happens in all families, to some degree.
Second, acknowledge this is happening to you, too. Are you connected to your feelings about leaving your family? Are you connected to the sadness about not being primarily identified as a daughter? To the anger that you must leave your family and make this drastic leap into the unknown? To the fear you feel about how your family will change when you leave? Or are you trying to deny these difficult feelings by single-mindedly focusing on your To-Do list?
Third, remember that everyone's doing their best to be gracious, but big, raw feelings have been stirred up. And most people aren't aware of this.
Fourth, try to figure out what's happening under the surface. Are family members connecting to the deeper feelings of anger, fear, and sadness about your marriage? Or are they in denial -- obsessing about wedding details, emotionally checking-out, or projecting their anger onto misplaced targets?
Fifth, share where you are, and let family members share where they are, too. You'll be amazed how close you'll feel when you share your feelings of anger, fear, and sadness. Getting these raw feelings on the table will help stop the insanity.
Sixth and finally, be gentle, with yourself, your fiance, and your families. You're all in the throes of a huge transition. Both families have been de-stabilized. Incorporating the changes and regaining equilibrium takes time. That's what the first year of marriage is for.